It’s a lot of mess in here. I am still processing the conversation that we had yesterday. I have learned that I have this habit to suppress my feelings and that would only lead to prolonged sadness. So I have been trying to let myself grieve quietly.
I have been trying to write, only to come up with a sentence that expresses my frustration with not wanting to give up, but also not having the choice not to because he has chosen to give up on us.
I have been trying to read stories from people with similar brain function stacks with me dealing with ending a relationship. And everything is just spot on. The door-slam part, the strong intuition that tells you that something is up, the tendency to mourn and grieve even before the relationship actually ends.
And that’s what actually happens. He repeatedly told me that we are not breaking up. But he also repeatedly told me that he doesn’t know if he wants us to get married. But it was not until last night that he told me he does not see himself getting married and having kids with me anymore. He acknowledged that he actually did see that, early on in our relationship, but just not anymore. Somehow, the more we spend time together, the less he loves me. And sadly, it’s the other way round for me.
I also told him repeatedly that this is the reason why I was being careful in the beginning. But my mind seemed to be really chaotic to notice if he responded to that.
I remember a few days before we picked up my parents, he told me he had mixed feelings about meeting my parents. He told me that he’s afraid that if someday we break up, my family’s faces will haunt him forever. At that point, I really wanted to ask him if he ever considered the same thing between me and his family, especially his mother and his brother. But I chose to let that sink in because I knew it would lead to a useless argument that would only make both of us upset. So I subconsciously suppressed that thought and feeling that entailed that, not knowing it would resurface, and made me think that I should have asked him and let us have the consequent argument that night.
He also told me to stop treating him like he is my parent. I know what he meant — it’s for me to stop bothering him with my problems. The thing is, I never bothered my parents with my problem. I know enough that they have their own problems, and if I tell them about my problems, it would only make them sad because there is nothing they can do about it. It would only make them feel even more powerless than they already are. So what he actually meant is to treat him exactly how I treat my parents right now.
Circling back to my tendency to suppress my feeling, I am very much aware that it would only make me in the loop of the denial stage. I have been through a couple of heartbreak, and both are painful and I always felt like I would never recover, even though I eventually did and even though it took years. But right now I don’t want to get stuck in the denial loop. So I have been trying to face those feelings. It is hard. It is fucking hard. Sometimes it’s just silent tears running down my face. But I know better to run into my car when I can feel myself about to sob uncontrollably. It hurts like hell, especially because I am also trying to hide this from my parents.
I remember telling him that I would rather be unmarried and not have kids than not be with him. It is true at this point because I never see myself being married with kids, at least until we’re together. I know that things might change in the future, but at this point, I just don’t want to entertain the idea of finding or being with someone new, the infamous saying about what’s meant for you will always be for you, and that I deserve better. At this point, even with everything, he is still the best. He is still every hope I’ve ever had in human form, the faint line between faith and blindly waiting, and the love that made all the other loves irrelevant.
I love him so much that I can’t remember the things about him that used to bother me early in our relationship anymore. But he accused me of feeling that way because of the summer trip he orchestrated last year. And that hurts me. I felt like he sees me as being materialistic at this point. I know it might come from the fact that I came from poverty compared to his family. I constantly worry about my family’s financial issues, while he’s nowhere near to having an idea of how that would feel. The same thing with my employment related to the immigration issues, there is just no way he could ever understand what I am going through. I know that my frustration and sadness in dealing with those things might burden him. I have been trying so hard to keep it to myself, but sometimes I just need somebody to listen to the pain that I am feeling since I can’t share those matters with my parents. But it seems to me that I burden him too much with my problem.
Lastly, he repeatedly told me that even though someday we’re breaking up, there is always a part of him that loves me. I wish I could say that back, but I could not. If what we are going through turns out to be hurting me too much, I would not have any other choice than to close my door on him. This is how I am protecting myself. This is the only way I can heal and move on. This is how I am saving myself if he does not let me save our relationship. It’s terrifying, but necessary I think.
Again, I know that we are not breaking up. But it’s just not right now. The fact that he repeatedly told me “if we’re breaking up”, the fact that he’s had that thought for a while — it’s just about time. And the fact that I have started grieving is how I am preparing myself for the worst.